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If you knew you were going to die tomorrow
"What would you write if you knew you were going to die tomorrow?" the psychic voice in my head answered me? As I often do, I was dithering around about whether to attempt a blog tonight, as if that's something difficult, and so I asked myself what I should write about.
I wasn't too happy to hear that topic. After all, if you're psychic, that kind of a message might mean that maybe I am, in fact, going to die tomorrow, but I don't think so and even if I'm not going to die tomorrow, one of these tomorrows I am going to die, so the title is a valid one. If I do die tomorrow, then I hope this blog is worthy of my life and this title. OK, here goes:
The joke this past weekend was about my saying "I'm sorry!" a lot and I do. I'm big so I bump into people and I say I'm sorry. I think outside the box a lot and that gets messy quickly and so I say I'm sorry for what I've thought and said and done based on that thought. And I really am sorry for just about everyone because Life is so hard, even for Amy and me with all of our love and Zane alive and four years old and our bills paid.
My "I'm sorry" habit was pointed out to me by my friend whose name this weekend was Phil who also feels sorry a lot, though he might not say it. He's sorry for similar reasons - he's a big, original thinker.
It's impossible to allow love to really come into your life if you don't like yourself or if you don't feel you deserve or need it. If you feel sorry for others, you're half-way to compassion.
I'm sorry to digress! ;-) Just kidding, it's no digression. My point is that if I had to pick a phrase to be my last words, it probably would be "I'm sorry" - "Phil," you're a genius, even if a sorry one! No, I wouldn't be sorry for the reasons you might suspect me of - not enough sex, not enough travel, not enough goals accomplished, I haven't been nice enough or helped enough people. I'm sorry, but I've had enough sex - even better, I've had more love in my life than most people could dream of in a thousand lifetimes - I've traveled enough, I help people every day through my writing and I'm kind and present with every person that I encounter - it's just the way I like to live. And I've accomplished all of my major goals, except not saying that I'm sorry but cut me some slack because it's only a days old goal (and a Merry old soul).
What I'm sorry about here on what is potentially my last day is that I haven't focused more time on working to effect political change in my locality and as far into the world as I could go. I read all about politics and world history and I think about it all the time, but I haven't done enough about it. This points out a glaring deficiency in my life - I have an interest and a skill and knowledge and a desire and I'm not doing enough with it. So, I will add it to the list of things that I'm doing. Hey, when you're doing as many things as Amy and me, one more ain't gonna make much difference!
I've been looking at every day since as though it could very well be my last one - because it very well could be my last day alive on Earth , but with any luck I'll wake up tomorrow for another day of loving and being loved by Amy and loving and I think being loved by Mr. Zane (you never know for sure with a cat!)
So, what would you write if you knew you were going to die tomorrow?
(c) Monte Farber, artwork (c) Amy Zerner
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