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About Us
Unrequitted Love - Should you go or stay?
For Independence Day, here's another chapter from our unique autobiographical how-to-have-a-great-relationship book, "Love, Light and Laughter," which you can buy in our new searchable "Store & More." To learn more, read some of my other blog/excerpts. or click here to be taken right to our "Love, Light and Laughter" page.
Unrequited Love - Should you go or should you stay?
We, the Enchanted (childless by choice) Couple, are equal opportunity Cupids. Our book, "Love, Light, and Laughter," is meant for everyone desirous of finding their Soul Mate, and that includes same sex partnerships and couples dealing with differences of age, race, ethnic background, social status, religion, customs, traditions, and a whole host of other disparities.
We believe that if any relationship can survive the “How Not to Find Your Soulmate Checklist” (I'll blog it soon), that is, by working on yourselves and your relationship according to the advice in our “How to Grow a Soul Mate Checklist” (I'll blog that at the same time), then the challenges mentioned above won’t stop you, even if your family, friends, and perfect strangers may try to do so. Soul Mates give each other support in good times and bad, so you will get through the tough times.
However, there are situations that will completely derail your search for an enchanted relationship. If you’re being abused by a partner, you have not found your Soul Mate. If you are not in an abusive relationship, you can either skip the rest of this chapter or read it and feel very fortunate. Dealing with abuse fully is beyond the scope of this book. However, on the chance that you’re in an abusive relationship and have gotten this far in our book, you’re at least somewhat receptive to what we have to say. So here’s our opinion of what you should do.
Abuse Is Not Something You Can Live With
If you, your children, or anyone in your family is being abused, including your pets (those who abuse pets are very likely to exhibit sociopathic behavior toward people), you are in a living hell, not in a relationship, no matter what you think or how much you want to deny it. If you are in an abusive relationship, get help. If professional help and counseling fails to make things substantially better, get out. Period. Do not give your abuser any more chances to harm you or your family, no matter how many apologies, promises, and gifts you receive. Just leave. Even if it looks to you like you cannot get out, call your nearest battered women’s shelter, hospital, police department, or other professional organization devoted to helping you and the many other people in your situation escape from your self-created prison. You are in deeper trouble than you know because you are being abused and therefore cannot think straight. It is not your fault, but it is a fact.
Even if you have bought into your abuser’s lies about how the abuse is your fault or the fault of your children, you must assume that you are not thinking straight and leave. Leave now! Even if you think you still love your abuser, you have to get away, now. Remember how we all need to be alone sometimes? For you, that time is now. When you are in a peaceful environment, you will realize that abuse cancels out love. They cannot exist together, just like you cannot live with someone who is abusing you, your children, or anyone, including himself or herself.
Yes, it is true that you got yourself into your situation, but do not dwell on how badly you screwed up. Punishing yourself gave you the low self-esteem that got you into an abusive situation in the first place. The good news is that you can get yourself out of your nightmare now, no matter how impossible that may seem. You need professional help to help you see what is really going on.
There is a strong chance that with professional help you will come to realize how badly your whole family also suffered the ravages of abuse when you were a child. It is common that abusive people and their victims accept abuse because it was what they learned that "family" was all about. Please, please, please realize that an abusive relationship is not normal. It can only get worse if you stick around and try to change it. Remember, you cannot change anyone, nor can you expect him to change if he obviously does not want to. If you do not want to be maimed or die or ruin the lives of your children, get professional help and get out.
If you are the abuser of your partner, your children, or even yourself, with alcohol, drugs, or self-destructive behaviors, you are probably not reading this book, but on the chance that you are, let me say that you have to realize that you are sick, sick, sick, not necessarily a bad person, and as a sick person always does, you need to go to a doctor to get well. And to get well, you have to first know that you are sick. Giving in to your compulsions will not really help you to feel better. You have to get professional help on the physical plane, in reality, or you are only delaying your inevitable ruin. Altering your mood by overeating, binging and purging, drinking, drugging, practicing compulsive or unsafe sex, lying, risk-taking, cheating, or doing anything other than getting help and getting to the root of your real problems is not going to free you from your living hell.
Sometimes You Just Have to Move On
If you are with someone you like, and she makes it clear by her words or actions that she does not like you, you have a choice. As reality dawns, you can stay calm and find out what the trouble is. If it is something that can be worked on and you are both willing to give it a try, then we are back to congratulations and your relationship will be the better for it. If both of you are not willing to try to work things out, then you have to move on to your second choice, which is to leave what you thought was the relationship, spend some time alone or with friends, family, or spiritual advisors, and see what you can learn from this painful situation so you won’t have to repeat it.
Why waste your time staying with someone obviously wrong for you? Even if you fear being alone, poorer, losing friends and social standing, depriving your children of a caregiver, the unknown, we sincerely doubt that you should stay together. When you are working on yourself and your self-esteem and want an enchanted relationship, you cannot move forward unless you leave where you were and make a space in your life for new possibilities. Life is short, and you do not have time to waste. Cut your losses and move on.
In rare instances, people who go through this or other kinds of breakups do get back together. We know two such rare couples personally. Barry Shapiro, a dear friend of both of us separately before we met, and his wife, Patricia Miles, divorced and have now reconciled and gotten back together. And two of our closest friends, Audrey Flack and her husband, Bob Marcus, were high school sweethearts who married other people but divorced them and found each other again in true enchanted storybook fashion.
However, for your own good, you are much better off assuming the relationship is over. The only thing that is going to effect that kind of miracle is time and solitary effort. If your relationship really is worth saving, you still have to let it go completely and explore as many options available to you as you can. Otherwise, you will be a wounded person trying to patch up a wounded relationship with someone who may very well not like you or himself enough to avoid hurting you even more next time. Soul Mates do not cause each other that kind of pain, no matter what anyone says. Be kind to your “enchanted self,” also known as the child within you, and make a clean break for everybody’s sake. Your enchanted self is the uncorrupted, pure, and open part of you receptive to unlimited possibilities. Let it lead you back to the path of light and laughter, if love is not in the picture right now. You should always love yourself, even if it seems you have wasted your time. At least you did not hurt anyone but yourself.
Fooling Around Is Neither Fun nor Funny
If the game you are playing involves a married person, or a person committed to someone else, be very, very careful. You are playing a dangerous game that has the potential to hurt you more than anyone else involved. The Golden Rule of the world’s religions is, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and it did not get to be the Golden Rule by not being true. The word karma is the Hindu word describing the actions we take and the actions that come back at us as a result of those actions, positive or negative. The modern expression of this is, “What goes around, comes around.”
If the person you are with is willing to cheat on someone she supposedly used to love or like, just as she supposedly loves or likes you, then what makes you think that she wouldn’t be willing to do the same thing to you? Some people enjoy the hunt for their Soul Mate more than actually finding one. They become addicted to the process; they are in love with the idea of falling and being in love.
If you team up with your lover to bring pain to another person, you must be willing to endure the consequences of your actions. Unless you are with someone actually and actively separating from their previous relationship, not just talking about it, there is no way that your relationship can survive the test of our two checklists. If you cannot see this, consider if you’re so desperate to have a relationship that you are willing to blind yourself and go against what you know is right. Where can that lead but to heartbreak and pain?
Whatever you give out will come back to you. Love, and you will receive love in return. Exude light by being a kind, positive, and caring person, and illumination will be your reward. Laugh, and you will attract congeniality from others.
Try your best to understand hostility, negativity, fear, and anger from within you. These emotions generally come from low self-esteem. We don’t believe in repressing these feelings, but in acknowledging them and patiently affirming positive thoughts so as not to make our systems or our lives toxic.
Secret: Observe how your habitual thoughts affect your life. It is the nature of habits to rule us unless we first become aware that they are habits, examine the events that gave rise to them, and become aware of how they actively influence us. The only way to eliminate a habit is through patient awareness and the belief that your life will change for the better if you stop acting or thinking in the old habitual way.
WRITTEN BY AMY ZERNER: FIGHTING FAIR
Monte and I share everything. We share truth. We share our joys and accomplishments, the beauty of art, sorrow, disappointment, and all of our observations, insights, and secrets. We are sincerely interested in each other on a deep level and have a great deal of affection, tenderness, and respect for each other. Our life is rich because we genuinely communicate and participate in each other’s self-acceptance. Our relationship is never dull, because we are always finding out how each other feels and working through our inner worlds, which provides an atmosphere for change, growth, and ¬creativity.
People ask us if we fight. Of course! The process of standing up for an idea or confronting issues, or “clearing the air,” is a natural and healthy part of any relationship. I would be suspicious of couples who say they never fight. But there are different ways of fighting; there is “dirty” fighting, and there is “fair” fighting. To me, it’s “dirty” of you to say things that hurt, humiliate, or exploit another’s feelings, secrets, or vulnerabilities.
Fair fighting is facing real issues or working out problems constructively. This can really deepen a relationship, which is the goal, after all. Sometimes the stress of work deadlines or finances or unrealistic demands makes people throw tantrums, but smart lovers don’t take this personally. It is more like waiting for a tired baby to let off steam or finish being cranky.
We both know that there are usually clues before a confrontation that we’ve learned to recognize. That is why we take preventive measures to reduce our stress: exercise, massage, time out for tea, breathing, cuddling, or a nap. All help to center and calm us so that we can feel strong to listen and communicate with love and understanding. At the same time, we try to avoid irri¬tations that can exacerbate stress, like caffeine, alcohol, lack of sleep, toxic thoughts, and toxic people.
Of course, laughter is always the best medicine and we often kid each other out of our bad moods. Humor always helps to break down our defenses and to accept our quirks and perceived mistakes. We all can be overly self-critical because of past and present mistakes. True love can make us more secure and accepting of personality differences and tensions, our strengths as well as our weaknesses. If we say the truth in a loving way we can help the other person to overcome conflicts within themselves and see the issues more clearly.
If humor doesn’t work, you will always be better off affirming your partner’s feelings, rather than ordering him to see your side of the situation, unless he’s in a dangerous rage. It is also important to not show anger yourself, no matter how upset you might be. Though it is natural to get upset to see someone you love in such a state, you must have faith that if she lets her feelings out for both of you to witness, you will eventually come to a better understanding of what buttons have been pushed and why. It is one manifestation of what the Buddhists call “being mindful.” Mindfulness gives you an advantage on things, instead of a tug into the torrent of your own emotions. If you argue, diminish, or, worst of all, mock your partner’s feelings, you can expect nothing but pain and suffering for the both of you. Soul Mates are always trying their best to be there for each other.
The great thing about being with someone you love is that if you can remember that life is short and there are no guarantees, you can recover your equilibrium fairly quickly by realizing how lucky you are just to have your health and to be with the person you love. That realization has kept us going through the hard times that confront even an enchanted couple.
Monte and I make a point to let each other feel comfortable to release our feelings without fear of criticism. We don’t throw mistakes in each other’s faces. We admire each other when we have the courage to see the truth and lessons in the situation and to face them constructively. We try to avoid misunderstandings by giving productive feedback and insights into how our feelings influence our behavior. In that way we can strengthen each other’s sense of self-esteem and be alert to each other’s needs. We are both very protective, caring, and mindful of our relationship.
In an authentic enchanted relationship, you take time to transform suffering and pain into happiness. When we are enchanted, we can accept our partner’s love as well as give our own; we can be cared for as well as give care; we can learn as well as teach; we can depend on each other as well as be independent enough to know our own minds and bodies. Being enchanted opens us to the creativity and spirituality working through us, and keeps us open to our partner, each contributing to the other’s dreams, hopes, desires, and ultimate joy.
May all sentient beings reach freedom from pain and the things that causes pain and instead know enlightenment by knowing joy and the things that cause joy. Happy Independence Day! Hug a veteran or at least thank one. Freedom isn't free (neither is "dum" by which I mean being just plain dumb - that comes with a very high price!) |
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